Also known as: don’t ask for something unless you’re prepared to get it.
Now that it’s all said and done, I feel like I can talk about it without jinxing anything (not that I was going to jinx things, but I was feeling paranoid).
I applied to a fellowship doing design in poor communities in India, which was practically perfect – take a person passionate about India, who has a lot to share and contribute, and put her in a place where she can really do that! So I sent in my application, knowing that I couldn’t really afford it, but also knowing that I had to take a chance on things. To my surprise, I got an email saying that I had made it to the “interview round” of the application process. I spent an hour on Skype, talking with the program’s directors, and it seemed very promising!
And then here’s where I screwed up: I realized how much money I’d have to save in a very short time (like, two months), and so I prayed to Rama, please don’t let them select me, because I can’t afford this.
Then I thought about it and figured out a plan to be able to afford it, even if it was a relatively bad plan.
This morning I said the same prayer. Today was the day I was to hear. And then at 1:30 I got the email, which said I hadn’t been selected.
Initially I’d predicted that I would be okay with whichever decision, because I’d either a. be going to India for six months or b. be saving myself two months of serious stress trying to figure out how to pay for everything, but now I’m c. not going to India (yet) and really really (really) disappointed that I’m not. It was mostly because I am not the best fit for the position, but that seems like such a small detail…
My Self knows this is because there’s something else I’m meant to do. My ego is very upset. It keeps telling me that now I’m never going to India, and that this was my only chance (that’s so not true). I suppose part of this was God’s way of making me learn to save my money and prioritize the things that are most important to me. THINGS are not important, actually.
That ego is really loud, though.
(Sorry that this is so disjointed – I got the news a relatively short time ago, and am still processing it.)