Disappointment

Also known as: don’t ask for something unless you’re prepared to get it.

Now that it’s all said and done, I feel like I can talk about it without jinxing anything (not that I was going to jinx things, but I was feeling paranoid).

I applied to a fellowship doing design in poor communities in India, which was practically perfect – take a person passionate about India, who has a lot to share and contribute, and put her in a place where she can really do that! So I sent in my application, knowing that I couldn’t really afford it, but also knowing that I had to take a chance on things. To my surprise, I got an email saying that I had made it to the “interview round” of the application process. I spent an hour on Skype, talking with the program’s directors, and it seemed very promising!

And then here’s where I screwed up: I realized how much money I’d have to save in a very short time (like, two months), and so I prayed to Rama, please don’t let them select me, because I can’t afford this.

Then I thought about it and figured out a plan to be able to afford it, even if it was a relatively bad plan.

This morning I said the same prayer. Today was the day I was to hear. And then at 1:30 I got the email, which said I hadn’t been selected.

Initially I’d predicted that I would be okay with whichever decision, because I’d either a. be going to India for six months or b. be saving myself two months of serious stress trying to figure out how to pay for everything, but now I’m c. not going to India (yet) and really really (really) disappointed that I’m not. It was mostly because I am not the best fit for the position, but that seems like such a small detail…

My Self knows this is because there’s something else I’m meant to do. My ego is very upset. It keeps telling me that now I’m never going to India, and that this was my only chance (that’s so not true). I suppose part of this was God’s way of making me learn to save my money and prioritize the things that are most important to me. THINGS are not important, actually.

That ego is really loud, though.

(Sorry that this is so disjointed – I got the news a relatively short time ago, and am still processing it.)

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About HappyGoth

By day, I'm a graphic designer. By night, I'm a knitter. I'm doing my part to keep Hotlanta stylish. I imagine that if you don't already understand the title of the blog, you're probably confused and perhaps slightly annoyed, but never fear - I do have a reason (and it's a good one). Having gone to hear Stephanie Pearl McPhee, and then having been inspired to blog about knitting, I found myself wondering what to call the blog. I recalled a conversation I had with Mouse and the Chicken Goddess about why it is a Bad Idea to anger knitters - this conversation was following SPM, aka the Yarn Harlot telling the assembled throng about Those Who Do Not Understand Knitting and Therefore Belittle It Much to the Chagrin of Others, or TWDNUKTBMCO, which is not the acronym she used but is the one I'm using because I forgot hers - that is, we are numerous and we all have very pointy sticks, easily transforming into an angry mob. Therefore, knitters = angry mob.
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8 Responses to Disappointment

  1. Tāṇḍava says:

    Namashkar,
    The problem with telling yourself that you will be happy with something either way is that you then look at all the advantages and disadvantages of both ways. Human nature being what it is you can end up being unhappy either way.

    The solution (which is difficult in practice) is to remain detached. Don’t be “happy” either way or unhappy either way. Know that whatever happens is right.
    Aum Shivaya

  2. mouse says:

    I find that its best when I have to make a decision (which I suck at because I can see the good in bad in both things usually…) that if I pray about it that I pray that the “universe” (whichever deity I’m praying to at the time…) does what is best for me & gives me only what I can safely handle. I’m sorry that you didn’t get picked – it might have not been right for you… I wouldn’t necessarily beat yourself up about it. Just because you ‘asked’ that it not happen doesn’t mean that is the ONLY reason it didn’t happen. The Divine know way more than we do & I’m sure they wouldn’t let a silly thing like human concerns about money (a human concept !!! ) stand in the way of something life changing for you. You may well find out later that there are other reasons or other opportunities that would be better suited for you on the horizon!!

    • HappyGoth says:

      I know pretty much why I didn’t get picked, but I do feel a lot of the time that I have to work very, very hard for things that are important to me. I’m not a lucky person (don’t believe in it, actually), and wonder quite frequently if perhaps this is part of my dharma. Maybe I need to work for things very hard. Maybe that’s a lesson I have to learn.

  3. surya says:

    i have no details but i know there are tens of hundreds of scholarships affered by the govt., to aliens.
    Talk to the embassy in DC. Good luck.

  4. Ambaa says:

    You might try praying for the money situation to work itself out! That might be a more positive approach.

    • HappyGoth says:

      I’ve mostly just been praying for guidance and wisdom; there’s a lesson to be learned here, but as with most of them, it’s not immediately clear. Oh, and patience. I’m praying for that, too. 🙂

      Thanks for the encouragement! I will see if a new approach makes a difference (even in my own perspective)!

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